Armagideon Time

Dear Armagideon Time Forum,

I never thought this could happen to me. My name is Cathy Webster, and I was a student at a small Midwestern college. I was always seen as something of a homely girl, what with my glasses, pert body, blonde hair and blue eyes…

Then one day, Professor Wentworth (totally not an evil mad scientist) took me aside and asked me to participate in her female enhancement project.

The effects were remarkable. Within a matter of days, I gained peak human strength and agility, as well as three cup sizes. It also magically made my glasses disappear while transforming my ponytail into a cute bob hairdo!

Filled with confidence, I slipped into a red, white, and blue spandex ensemble with some high-heeled boots and crashed a toga party at the Delta Tau Chi house. The boys couldn’t keep their hands off me…

…but I am happy to say I gave as good as I got. (Wink, wink!) The experience was exhilarating, but taught me that perhaps Dr. Wentworth had her own reasons for helping me. I went to ask her about the the strange new sensations I had been feeling, but she somehow managed to clear out both her office and well-equipped laboratory in the space of a single evening.

Suffice to say, I was a little peeved (and possibly blitzed on Everclear), and may have shouted out a lot of overheated exposition to an empty room.

It all worked out in the end, though. I soon after met up with an older gentleman who was a long-standing crush of mine. He took me under his wing and promised to instruct me in the best way to utilize my perfect young body for maximum effect.

It just goes to show dreams can come true, and that a failed attempt at franchise expansion based on creepy gender politics can someday become Nobody’s Favorite.

Sincerely,

Cathy “Free Spirit” Webster

I have nothing but respect for the late Mark Gruenwald.  He was a conscientious editor, respectable writer, and the direct inspiration (through his comment that every character is “somebody’s favorite”)  for this ongoing feature.  That said, the later issues of his long stint as writer on Captain America – which featured Cap-Wolf, Cap strung out on crystal meth, paralyzed Cap in a suit of power armor, and the above story arc –  were fucking dire. 

(from Iron Man v1 #108, March 1978; by Bill Mantlo, Carmine Infantino & Bob Wiacek)

W is for Wire, after they needed to stop…

…and for White Heat, bringing power to the pop.

W is also for Wall of Voodoo, and that’s hard to top.

(from Iron Man v1 #107, February 1978; by Bill Mantlo, Keith Pollard & Fred Kida)

While other game companies of the early 1980s attempted to flatter or entice potential consumers, Imagic took a different approach:

“You think you’re tough enough to take us, wuss? All right, then. Meet us at Zayre’s electronics aisle after school…and don’t forget to bring $24.95 (sales tax not included) of your parents’ money, you fucking little pussy.”

(from Iron Man v1 #103, October 1977; by Bill Mantlo, George Tuska & Mike Esposito)

Because there are certain days that call for a grotesquely off-model Lee Majors sporting Jheri curls…

It was a noble effort, but there’s little point to swapping in new trim when the chassis has clearly been around the track a few hundred times.

Recommended listening:

(from The Defenders #64, October 1978; by David Anthony Kraft, Sal Buscema, & Don Perlin)

Melody Valentine…

…has THE POWER.

Recommended listening: Josie and the Pussycats – Voodoo (from a 1970 Kellogg’s cereal promotion)

This is pop. No further explanation required.

(from The Defenders #62, August 1978; by David Kraft, Sal Buscema, & Jim Mooney)