That would certainly explain the depressing weather we’ve had for last few weeks.

(Context, louder than bombs.)

Recommended listening:  The Meatmen - How Soon Is Now? (from The World Still Won’t Listen, 1996)

Quasi-ironic tribute albums were — along with baby doll dresses, body odor, and heroin habits — one of the coins of the 1990s Alternative Nation realm. (At least until the revolution ate its own, paving the way for a bloodless coup by the Teen Dance Pop junta, financed by Scandinavian production combines. I’m not sure if the current failed Indie Warlord state represents progress or backsliding.)

Though the process was halted before reaching the next logical step of bands releasing tribute albums to themselves before imploding, it did generate a respectable number of listenable curiosities  and oddities (and a handful of outright gems, like Lush’s version of “Outdoor Miner”).

Today’s featured selection is surprisingly sedate, considering The Meatmen’s reputation and the easy target for mockery The Smiths and their music offer to would-be shit-stirrers. The end result sounds like something that would have appeared on one of the many goth/industrial/music-to-wear-black-trenchcoats-by compilations released by Cleopatra Records during that era.

Forget the Beach Boys and Dick Dale. The true soundtrack for the Endless Summer consists of three minute bursts of hooky power pop, preferably blared from the tinny speakers of a fourth-hand Chevy Nova.

Recommended listening: The First Steps - The Beat Is Back (from a 1979 EP)

The music is the glue which has held countless mixtapes together.

The pangs of unrequited longing.  The sense of invincibility born of a new love affair.  The bitter recriminations following a bad breakup.   Or all three within the same song, concerning the same girl, who more often than not has no idea the singer exists.

Recommended listening: The Records - Starry Eyes (from Shades in Bed, 1979)

Though some have derided power pop for being little more than musical junk food, I’ll take its deceptive simplicity and infectiousness over any virtuoso noodling or other manifestations of puritanical rockism any day.

Recommended listening: The Posies - Surrender (from At Least, At Last, 2000)

It’s “FUCK, YEAH!” music at its melodic finest, and that’s why power pop is, and shall remain, one of my favorite things.

Even as bluenosed crusaders fought to label basic information about family planning as smut most foul, acolytes of the P.T. Barnum school pimped far more lurid wares under the plausible deniabilty of “educational purposes.”

It’s an old dodge, applied through the ages to such things as roadshow “birth of a baby” two-reelers, Mondo Cane, dubious “marriage manuals,” and sideshow attractions.

Comic books, too, were occasionally marketed in such a manner. Pre-Code crime titles often plead a higher intent in defense of their more questionably tasteful content (”Let this graphic depiction of a scantily-clad woman getting a syringe in her eye show that CRIME DOES NOT PAY, kids!”) , but even Atomic War got into the act with an essay contest, complete with cash prizes:

It was quite noble of Ace Magazines to take such a moral stand at the height of Cold War anxieties, and the stories in the comic do indeed depict the dangers, horror, and utter futility….

…of the Godless Reds’ attempt to challenge the rightful supremacy of the Greatest Nation on Earth.

Recommended listening:  Sonny Russell - Fifty Megatons (from a 1963 single)

Sporting a yield of fifty megatons, the Soviet RDS-202 hydrogen bomb was the most destructive device ever created by mankind. The weapon was too unwieldy (requiring a customized bomber for delivery and a parachute to ensure the vehicle could escape the blast radius in time) and overpowered for practical use. (Because we wouldn’t want to go overboard when it comes to global thermonuclear armageddon, right?) This did not prevent hawkish American think-tanks from citing the RDS-202’s yield in order to spur increased spending on nuclear armaments.

The sole test firing of the weapon was done at an Arctic Sea island test site on October 30, 1961, as part of the high-stakes dick-waving contest between Washington and the Kremlin. Though detonated as an airburst, the RDS-202’s five mile blast radius meant the initial fireball was able to make ground contact, and the resulting mushroom cloud from the explosion reached a height of forty miles.

Sources are unclear whether or not space alligators did indeed manifest at the RDS-202 test site following the event, as claimed by Mr. Russell.

One of the interesting things about post-apocalypse fiction, besides the vicarious thrill of seeing civilization laid low, is how the sub-genre enables writers to tailor the scope of the catastrophe and what survives it to suit their personal preferences.

For instance, an archery enthusiast will, in all probability, create a world where knowledge of bowmanship, scorned as as an eccentricity before the bombs fell, is not only a necessary tool for survival, but the means by which society will reorganize itself. Think of it as vindication through mass annihilation, and if the results are less than logical plot-wise, they at least serve a therapeutic purpose for the authorial fan of kickboxing, medieval weapons, biplanes, obscure contact sports, and what have you.

With this in mind, I have gathered together some excerpts of post-apocalyptic fiction as written by less representative fandoms for your edification and enjoyment:

Jon could hear the raiders’ warcries and sounds of gunfire getting closer to the Elder’s hut. The Elder looked very small and frail on his cot. He beckoned to Jon to come closer.

“Son, there isn’t much time, for me or for our village. I must tell you something. The reason why the raiders have come. A secret I have guarded since the time before the Bomb…

“Listen close, child. Two slices of cured cold ham, minced into small cubes. A quarter cup of minced sweet pickles. Two tablespoons of mayo. Stir until uniform.”  - from Ham Salad in Year Zero

*****

By the time he earned guild status at sixteen, Razor had killed twenty-three people. Nine of those were children, including two babes who hadn’t yet been weaned from their mothers’ tits. His casual ruthlessness was considered remarkable even within a brotherhood of paid killers, and even his guild-brothers gave him a wide berth.

This contract, which came down from a Prime Mover in the Philly hab-dome, seemed like a natural fit for Razor, then — some killing, some vandalism, with a dash of arson thrown in for good measure.

Razor did not expect his target, a lady geezer in a pink bathrobe, to greet him in front of her Eastside bolt hole.

“I know why you’re here, and there’s little I can do to stop you. Before you earn your pay, why not take a look at what you’ve been sent here to destroy?”

She opened the blast door to her shelter and waited for Razor to enter. It was a small, but well-kept place, unremarkable except for the thousands of porcelain figurines displayed on the wall to wall shelving units. Cherubic children, enjoying themselves the way children used to before the Big One happened.

He picked up a figurine of a chubby-cheeked tyke frolicking with a puppy and looked it over. It made Razor uncomfortable. He remembered a childhood toy, a dingy three-legged plastic dog salvaged from the ruinfields and lost forever when his parents sold him to the Guild.

“They were called Hummels. I call them ‘love.’ They survived the Big One, but now it seems that their time, and mine, has finally come.”

“No. No, it hasn’t,” Razor responded, already anticipating the dozens of deaths — including his own, in all likelihood — that would result from this decision.  - from Razor Comes to Hummeltown

*****

The audience had not yet finished devouring the last ragged pieces of the previous contestant when the Host turned to Sara. “Your turn, honey!” A rictus grin and sharpened teeth and eyes darker than the pits of hell. “Eat or be eaten! That’s showbiz! Right, folks?”

The sea of scarred and burned faces took up the chant. “EAT OR BE EATEN! EAT OR BE EATEN!” Sara felt the urge to run. But run to where? Didn’t she make the long, dangerous trek from the Bakersfield Reclamation Zone to Lost Angels for this moment?

She knew the risks when slipped past the quarantine fence at the county border. Nothing had changed. Better to risk it all for a chance to be Lord Cowl’s new idol than a slow death from the dust blight on the family farm.

She strode out onto the stage. “The song is called ‘Memories.’” She hoped it would be good enough.  - from Plutonium Idol

*****

MOON TEXAS RANGER

I’m as sick of the nothing-but-Jacko news coverage as I suspect you all are at this point, but the stars of misfortune have aligned and I must plot my course accordingly. So the SMS version of Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker it is, then.

The title, arguably a port of the 1990 Moonwalker arcade game, comes across as a mixture of Rolling Thunder and egomaniacal hubris. It’s also well-tilled with the seeds of latent irony, as part of the Gloved One’s mission to foil the schemes of “Mr. Big” involves rescuing children from those who would exploit or harm them.

The King of Pop versus Baron Scoliosis!

Honestly, it would take more than an already-fading pop star to entice me to play a bog-standard vintage side-scrolling beat-em-up…unless the game in question happens to be Bad Dudes vs. Paul Young. (”Come back and stay for good this time…IN MY ARENA OF DEATH!”)

My only memory of Moonwalker comes from my college days, when one of the many Kurt Busiek clones who passed through the chipped orange fire door of UMass Boston’s sci-fi club brought his Sega Genesis to school one day.

He hooked the system up to the club room’s ancient TV and began demonstrating the Genesis version of Moonwalker to the nerds in attendance. By “demonstrating,” I mean that he offered nasally commentary on in-game events while the rest of us did our best to ignore him.

After the third or fourth utterance of “umm…this is where Michael throws his hat at the bad guys,” one of the older and grumpier club members stated that videogames were a childish and pointless waste of time…then went back to working on his rattan and foam rubber SCA sword.

Does this mean we'll soon see the debut of Rodimus Jackson?

One thing I’ve noticed in the wall-to-wall coverage of Michael Jackson’s demise is the frequent pronouncements of his “musical influence,” issued with predictable comparisons to Elvis and The Beatles.

Death, especially celebrity death, tends to bring out the hyperbolic praise in people. No one wants to be the guy or gal shouting “he was an asshole” at racist Uncle Ted’s funeral service. Instead we swallow our grievances and spit up some weak platitudes about how much Uncle Ted loved his Jack Russell terrier, Lil’ Adolph, while skipping the part how the vicious beast bit off cousin Eustace’s ear one Thanksgiving.

That sort of revisionism might be necessary for decorum’s sake when dealing with a reprehensible specimen of humanity, but it also gets laid on thick and fulsome when discussing someone who has accomplished quite remarkable things, as well. I never particularly cared for Michael Jackson’s music (my heart was pledged to the Scorpions during the Thriller era), but he was one hell of a pop composer and perfomer in his prime, especially when collaborating with a master producer like Quincy Jones.

He certainly deserved the enormous success he had in those days, but “success” is not synonymous with “influence,” though they often operate in tandem in the innovation-challenged corridors of the recording industry. (That is to say, “one successful crappy band can taint the Top 40 well for years to come.”) Listen to pop radio for any length of time, and it’s impossible not to hear distinct echoes of Elvis or The Beatles (or David Bowie or RUN-DMC or Kraftwerk or whatnot) in the offered fare. The threads picked up by these pioneers have been permanently woven into the fabric of pop music.

The musical impact of Michael Jackson’s material, no matter how successful or transcendent or popular his works may have been, is limited to Jackson, his unevenly talented siblings, some transitory bandwagon jumpers propped up by Berry Gordy, and Justin Timberlake’s reasonably successful efforts to clone Jackson’s Off the Wall-era sound. Yes, Jackson did open up MTV to black artists and music — a noteworthy achievement, but not the Montgomery Bus Boycott moment into which legend has transformed it. (A corporation saw money to be made and acted on it. If it wasn’t Jackson, it would have been Prince, Debarge, Lionel Richie, or someone else.)

Putting the hagiographic tendencies of the press aside, when journalists speak of Michael Jackson’s musical influence, they are referring to his ability to shift millions of records across the demographic spectrum and his ability for marketing himself (at least until his eccentricites upstaged him) as the quintessential pop performer — with a look and moves to go along with the tunes.

That’s no mean feat, and it is part and parcel of the pop music experience, but it is not something as immortal or musically consequential as composing works such as Pet Sounds or “Eleanor Rigby.”

What a day, huh?

The demographic overlap between teen humor comics and periodicals such as Tiger Beat was not lost on DC during the late 60’s and early 70’s. As a consequence, text pages spotlighting teenybopper darlings of the moment were a regular feature in later issues of titles like Swing with Scooter or Date with Debbi.

Barring the occasional oddity, the pieces followed the standard puff piece template with items such as this one from a 1971 issue of Swing with Scooter

…which enticed the tweeners of yesteryear with the romantic dream of sharing a future with a former teen idol who bitterly resents the Faustian bargain that made him America’s transitory sweetheart.

As I said, pretty typical stuff.

The only weird thing about the article is the photo-illustration which accompanied it. The four-color printing process used by comics at the time could never quite pull off a satisfactory level of photographic reproduction, and attempts to doctor (i.e. “paint over”) pictures for legibility’s sake only made a bad situation worse.

That said, I can’t imagine any scenario where this rich slice of nightmare…

…could have ever been a photo, drawing, or cave painting of the man otherwise known as Keith Partridge. Where are the rebelliously (but not dangerously so) long feathered locks? The dreamy squint? The polyester rugby shirt with the fashionably unbuttoned collar?

Clearly some mistake has been made, a hypothesis borne out by this article which appreared in an issue of Date With Debbi around the same time:

(Interestingly enough, the article did not list “get the shit beat out of me by David Cassidy’s sit-com sibling in one of the most depressing spectacles ever aired on national television” as one of the things on poor Barry’s wish list.)

Though the evidence for a simple screw up in DC editorial’s “hideous celebrity caricature” file seems pretty strong, I still have doubts whether the person in the image is actually supposed to be Barry Williams. He does bear a stronger resemblance to Greg Brady than Keith Partridge, but I can’t shake the feeling it was actually modeled after Gong Show host Chuck Barris:

Mystery solved.

Schadenfreude made easy!

It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your votes after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a governor you once knew
Although he was acting on basic human urges -
He looks like a complete fucking hypocrite to you

I had to let it happen, I had to get laid
Couldn’t stand anymore “family values” nookie
Looking out the mansion’s window, missing out on the fun
So I chose to bolt the country
Cruising for tail in another hemisphere
Until I realized I was in deep shit
And couldn’t keep my stories straight

Don’t cry for me South Carolina
The truth is I never left you
Even though I kind of did
But facts don’t matter
I had my needs
So blame the liberals
I had my needs
So blame the liberals

(with apologies to Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

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