Armagideon Time

“On the evening of April 16, 1917, Comrade Kermit stepped onto the platform and addressed the awaiting crowd. ‘Down with global capitalism! We are defenders of the Rainbow Connection, comrades! The lovers, the dreamers, and myself know that we have finally found it! We have nothing to lose but our slightly visible strings!’ He then spastically thrashed his arms in the air as the masses cheered their approval.”

“Fozzie, known in Party circles as ‘The Bear,’ was one of Kermit’s closest confidants. A vocal proponent of expanding the revolution to the restive massess in Lidsville and the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, Fozzie was instrumental in beating back the coalition of counter-revolutionary armies led by Captain Kangaroo. A master propagandist and convincing orator, Fozzie’s famous dictum ‘Have you heard the one about the reactionary kulak? Wakka wakka wakka!’ incited bloody pogroms against the landed gentry and urban bourgeoisie classes. Forced into exile after Kermit’s death, Fozzie retreated to a fortified compound in Mexico City where he was murdered by an agent of Gonzo in 1930.”

“Miss Piggy (nee Maria Porcidonova) was a nursing student at Veterinarian’s Hospital when she became radicalized by contact with the puppetariat. A fierce advocate of revolutionary violence, she was arrested for karate-chopping a general of the Old Regime to death during broad daylight in a public square. Conflicts with Chairman Kermit over revolutionary goals led Piggy to stage her own failed insurrection. She was sentenced to prison and later executed during a wartime purge.”

“Though a familiar face in Chairman Kermit’s inner circle, Gonzo’s strange behavior and opportunist tendencies caused a great deal of mistrust among his fellow revolutionaries. These suspicions were proven true during the power struggle following Kermit’s death, when Gonzo seized control of the Party and swept aside any all perceived threats to his rule. In addition to the violent purges and pryotechnic show trials directed at so-called ‘enemies of the state,’ Gonzo was also responsible for the devastating famine caused by agricultural reforms unwisely steered by his fixation upon poultry farming.”

“Statler and Waldorf were veteran revolutionaries, and quick to criticize the missteps and failings of their peers. While tolerated — if ignored — during Kermit’s reign as Party chairman, they were among the first victims of Gonzo’s purge of the Old Guard. Both willingly attended trial, confessed to the surprising crime of conspiring with foreign powers against the puppetariat, and were summarily executed. Why — knowing what the outcome would be — did they chose to come there? Perhaps we’ll never know.”

- excerpts from Whose Hand Up Whose Ass: The Rise of the Muppet Socialist Regime by Andrew Otis Weiss

(originally posted 12/6/2011)

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4 Responses to “The Best of AT: Time to get things started”

  1. SJB

    Truly a call to the Vanguard

  2. EAG46

    This is brilliant and well-done but I could never really see Miss Piggy as a hero of the working class. She is stone-cold bourgeois and proud of it.

  3. bitterandrew

    It was the Veterinarian’s Hospital connection and wanting to give props to this fascinating lady:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Spiridonova

  4. EAG46

    Ms. Spiridonova is indeed worthy of highlighting.

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