Armagideon Time

(The perpetual cycle of human stupidity and willful denial does have its advantages, such as allowing me to run an AT 1.0 post from two years ago with only a few cosmetic changes.)

COPENHAGEN, Denmark – The initial high hopes of those committed to resolving the global warming issue experienced an embarrassing setback at the U.N. climate change conference this week, as sibling rivalries led to an intractable deadlock between two delegates whose cooperation has been deemed vital to establishing an effective policy.

(An artist’s rendering of the confrontation.)

The sibling delegates in question are the Miser brothers. Mr. Snow Miser has long been a staunch supporter of the Kyoto Protocols, as the accelerated shrinking of the polar ice caps directly affects his traditional standard of living. However, previous statements by the self-proclaimed “Mr. Icicle” that he “never wants to know a day that’s over 40 degrees [Fahrenheit]” has caused some concern even among other Kyoto supporters, and provided his estranged brother, Mr. Heat Miser, an opportunity to dismiss the treaty as the work of environmental extremists. “I’d rather have it 80, 90, 100 degrees!” he shouted across the conference hall floor. “Oh, some like it hot,” he continued, flanked by a small phalanx of supporters from the petroleum and automotive industries, “but I like it really hot!” He then melted a pen in his clutch and added, “Besides, everyone knows that the theory of global warming is just another liberal conspiracy.”

An attempt by the conference’s organizers to negotiate a compromise between the Misers failed miserably, despite the intervention of Mother Nature. On previous occasions Ms. Nature had been able to rein in her squabbling sons, but at last week’s conference it was clear her formerly commanding presence has been gravely diminished by her declining health, which took a pronounced turn for the worse after January 2001 and has yet to improve. It was all Ms. Nature could do just to keep the Misers from engaging in physical violence during the fruitless negotiations to reestablish a previous quid pro quo arrangement between the two elemental beings.

A spokesperson for the United Nations expressed disappointment, but not surprise, at the outcome. “We were encouraged by the Obama administration’s stated committment towards finding a workable solution to the issue of climate change, but unfortunately politics and personal grievances got in the way,” she stated. When specifically asked about the behavior of the Miser brothers during the conference, she simply responded “They’re too much.”

Recommended listening: A little sibling rivalry courtesy of 1974′s The Year Without a Santa Claus, and collected on Nick At Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas, Too.

As I’ve stated before, nothing says “Happy Holidays” quite like high camp lyrics and music lifted from a Gypsy Rose Lee performance.

George S. Irving – Heat Miser

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Dick Shawn – Snow Miser

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.