Sat 15 Nov 2008
Whistling past the dustbin of history
Posted by bitterandrew under Consumerism, Culture
[2] Comments
Hey, consumer capitalism, how are you doing?
I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but you are the engine that fuels the global economy…Providence help us all. I’ve been hearing some scary stuff lately about the ongoing economic meltdown and its effects of your health, especially as it pertains to the holiday shopping season.
Your overall well-being is massively invested in that debt-fueled Q4 spendathon, and the projected bottom line for this year’s sales is looking shakier by the minute. Even previously safe bets like gift cards are the subject of warnings about buyers left holding the bag should the issuing institution go belly up.
With the present circumstances being what they are, I was curious to see what marvelous wares you are offering in order to tempt hard-pressed consumers into parting with their dimishing reserves of cash.
You’ve got my complete attention, kid. Knock my socks off.
I prefer a fine Merlot with my possum fritters.
Yeah, that’s something, all right, but perhaps a little too niche market for a must-have item. What else have you got?
Ironic hipsterwear, circa 2027
Right. For those times when the “I’m a complete fucking asshole” t-shirt isn’t clear enough.
NEXT ITEM, PLEASE!
Therapy sessions not included
….
….
Y’know, forget I even pretended to care.
Consumer capitalism can’t die soon enough.
(Seriously, folks, you might think that you’re getting a really sweet deal on a build-it-yourself rose trellis from a mail order catalog, but there are other hidden costs to consider. Once the first of November rolls around and your mailbox is straining under the weight of a billion unsolicited catalogs of useless, overpriced crap, you’ll soon come to wish you just drove to the home and garden store paid the extra ten bucks for the damn thing.)
Recommended reading: The Communist Manifesto
Recommended listening: Entertainment!
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November 16th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Fear not! This will fill somebody’s heart with joy. Somebody. For the most part, the folks who aren’t clear on the significance of burning anything cruciform on a lawn. Buy early.
November 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
That’s almost as amazing as the “Praying Hands” print I once saw where the hands were making the ASL sign for “vagina.” (Unintentionally, I assume.)