Armagideon Time

Dearest friends, are you ready to be the man to please all night? Because it is time for a special SEO-optimized installment of…

…in which I use the character creation rules in the Marvel Super Heroes RPG’s Ultimate Powers Book to roll up a random batch of powers and abilities, then sit back and watch as some incredibly talented folks work their creative magic upon the quantified chaos.

This week’s URGENT MESSAGE comes courtesy of SPAM ULTRON, who sweetened the pot by throwing in a genuine Rolex and a free iPad!

HELLO BEIBERANDREW I HAVE MADE YOUR THE HERO OF DISCOUNTS

THE KING OF SOMALIA CRACK DIRECTECHTIVE IS THE SUPERHERO ALTER EGO OF GEEKY SIXTEEN INCHES-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY RAMOHMS WHO ATTENDS DO YOU NEED A FANTASTIC LOCAL DENTIST HIGH SCHOOL. HIS NAME IS ALSO A PUN ON ROCKER JOHNNY RAMONES. DOWNLOAD RAMONES ALBUM FROM HIT RUSSIAN SITE MUSICS. DOWNLOAD SEX PARODY ALBUM JACK RAM-MOANS.

GAINING HIS ABILITIES FROM VIEWING THOUSANDS OF SINGLE–WOMEN FOR FREE, KING OF SOMALIA CRACK DIRECTECTIVE HAS ENHANCED POWERS FOR UP TO 7 NIGHTS IN COSTA RICA FOR 2, SUPER SPEED FOR TO CAN FIND PRINTABLE DOG–FOOD COUPONS OFF TOP BRANDS HERE, HEALING WITH PORN, BETTER HEYTHISISBRIANS SMELLING, AND NEGLIGIBLE AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE TRICK THAT HAS EXPLOSIVE RESULTS BECAUSE OF CYBERNETIC LIMBS FOR GENITALS TO MAKE WOMEN HAPPY. THESE CHANGES MAKE HIM A POWERFUL AND FEARSOME FORCE FOR UPLOADING FILES ONLINE TO BRING BACK HIS KINGDOM OF HALLEIL SALASSI, UNLESS HE GETS DISTRACTED BY #1 WORST FOOD FOR WEIGHT-GAIN…! .

HE HAS A NEW CELL PHONE. HE CAN BROWSE FOR FREE IN A PLACE NOW CALLED THE FINGERHUT WITH BRAND-NAME PRODUCTS AND LOW MONTHLY PAYMENTS!*. THE FINGERHUT CONTAINS 3, 4, OR 5 NIGHTS IN COSTA RICA FOR 2. HIS GREATEST WEAKNESS IS WHEN HE CAN TURN BACK THE CLOCK TO LOOK FOR A SEXUAL SPEEDDATE WHICH IS AN ALLERGY BECAUSE HE HAS NOT DISCOVERED THE BEST SECRET FOR BOOSTING FREE-TESTOSTERONE-NATURALLY.

THE KING OF SOMALIA CRACK DIRECTECHTIVE IS THE GREATEST HERO EVER. HE HAS QUICK CASH…UP TO 2500 DOLLARS…! FOR ADEPT COMBAT. HE CAN GET A PERFECT SMILE!… WITH AVERAGE AGILITY AND ENDURANCE. HE IS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU WITH MODESTLY SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH. HE IS EARN A COLLEGE DEGREE IN AS LITTLE AS 18 MONTHS… FOR REASONABLE INTELLIGENT WITH AVERAGE INTUITION GUTTER CLEANING AND LOUSY WILLPOWER. SING? CHRISTIUM? JOIN FREE IN ADVENTURES!

(Journey into keyword nightmare by SPAM ULTRON. UPJ logo provided by Dave Lartigue.)

Are you an artist, writer, or terrifying combination of the two who’d like to try your hand at the Ultimate Powers Jam? Then drop me a line at bitter(dot)andrew(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll commence the dice to rolling. The next round of assignments should go out after I get back from this weekend’s mini-vacation.

Related posts:

  1. Ultimate Powers Jam #24 – Zap King
  2. Ultimate Powers Jam #10 – Tornadotron
  3. Ultimate Powers Jam #5 – Viscosity

3 Responses to “Ultimate Powers Jam #14 – King of Somalia Crack Directechtive”

  1. MaxBenign

    Laughed out loud at “HE HAS A NEW CELL PHONE. ”

    Weird Twittering Machine…next week on Ultimate Powers Jam?

  2. Jack Feerick

    Jesus Christ, game over. The Internet has achieved sentience, and soon all comics will look like this.

  3. key gen

    I’m now not positive where you’re getting your info, however good topic. I must spend some time learning more or figuring out more. Thanks for excellent info I used to be looking for this information for my mission.

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