Armagideon Time

Salutations, syphilis nature freaks! It’s time for a new, environmentally sound installment of…

…in which I use the character creation rules in the Marvel Super Heroes RPG’s Ultimate Powers Book to roll up a random batch of powers and abilities, then sit back and watch as some incredibly talented folks work their creative magic upon the quantified chaos.

This week’s exercise in creative ecology comes courtesy of Matt Digges (art) and yours truly (writing).

“Welcome to Yellowstone National Park, (scanning) Garishly Costumed Individual!

“(introduction protocol) I am Wilderness Android Relegated to Defend the Environment and Nature Unit 248, but you may call me W.A.R.D.E.N. Bob! Following the Green Revolution launched by President McGovern in 1973, the Department of the Interior embarked on a program to develop automated park rangers to better serve both America’s wild places and the people who may visit them.

“I served in this capacity for fifteen years before a (scanning) multidimensional crisis eliminated my timeline and stranded me in this alternate universe. Though this world may not be my own, my mission remains unchanged.

“(assessment response) Speaking of which, I notice that your (scanning) laser death tank is a petroleum-powered vehicle and thus forbidden in this area of the park. Also, your (scanning) legion of cheap thugs have been conducting illegal mining operations and despoiling the pristine beauty of the area. You should rectify both these issues before I am forced to (contextual interrupt)

“(defense subroutine) I am sorry, sir, but your act of drawing a weapon has forced me to use my Chroma-Change component to alter the opacity of your corneas. The effect is temporary, I assure you. (tangent prompt) FUN FACT: The Chroma-Change process was originally developed as an anti-grafitti measure, but was later discovered to have value as a less-than-lethal means of incapacitating criminal such as yourself.

“(feelings mitigation protocol) No offense intended, of course. If it is any consolation, your weapon would have had no effect on me. Both my body and my carbon-neutral bioreactor have been shielded against all conventional and exotic weapons, and it would take a high-energy pulse of microwave radiation to force an emergency shutdown.

“(response escalation protocol) To ensure your that you do not harm yourself or others while in your blinded state, I have asked Huntress-of-the-Far-Slopes to restrain you. She one of the many magnificent specimens of Ursus arctos horribilis which dwell in the park. I would advise you not to struggle, as Huntress has informed me that she has had ‘one (expletive deleted) of a day so far’ and she is more than capable of tearing the limbs of an adult human.

“Do not worry about your legion of cheap thugs. They are currently being attended to by a scurry of highly irritable ground squirrels.

“(post-action debrief) Now that my internal pheromone generators have guided you into a state of blissful passivity, I shall use my LumenBurst emitter to signal the proper authorities and remand you into their custody.

“(departure protocol) I hope you have enjoyed your stay in Yellowstone, Garishly Costumed Individual! Remember: Take only memories, leave only footprints — or severe sanctions will be enacted.”

(Amazing art by Matt Digges and woeful words by Andrew Otis Weiss. UPJ logo provided by Dave Lartigue.)

Are you an artist, writer, or terrifying combination of the two who’d like to try your hand at the Ultimate Powers Jam? Then drop me a line at bitter(dot)andrew(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll commence the dice to rolling.

Related posts:

  1. Ultimate Powers Jam #18 – Birdie Zero
  2. Ultimate Powers Jam #33: Marvin the Merman
  3. Ultimate Powers Jam #24 – Zap King

2 Responses to “Ultimate Powers Jam #16 – W.A.R.D.E.N. Bob”

  1. Cary

    I already like him.

  2. Decker

    Of all the Face Rips, Bob has been the furthest out there. And I mean that in the very best possible sense.

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