I was forced to spend the better part of my day at the dentist’s office, where I was informed that she “didn’t even know where to begin” in regard to my current state of dental health. As I was too preoccupied with the usual feelings of crushing dread to work up a proper post for today, I’ve decided to briefly spotlight a handful of characters who would qualify as Nobody’s Favorites if not for their perplexing numbers of bona fide (and often quite vociferous) fans.
In short, they’re the superheroic equivalents to Dane Cook and Two and a Half Men.
RED TORNADO- While Marvel’s Vision radiated an aura of Spockean sang froid, DC’s resident android superhero presented a decidedly more emo take on artificial intelligence. If it wasn’t bad enough that he spent the bulk of his tenure with the JLA either fucking up or whining about fucking up, his origin — involving alternate earths and alien elemental spirits — was a convoluted mess and his hopelessly busy costume epitomized the worst aspects of Bronze Age visual design.
GAMBIT – Because that’s what the Marvel Universe was missing: A Cajun caricature of Lorenzo Lamas.
AQUAMAN- DC’s King of the Seas is proof that longevity and visibility can be a curse. He’s one of those characters who doesn’t have fans so much as he has folks who are fans of claiming to be fans — a situation that has lead to a series of unsuccessful reboots that have only further isolated Aquaman from whatever core strengths he might have possessed. Instead being shoehorned (and thus subject to silly plot accommodations made for his specific skillset — “Thank goodness there are elephanto-sharks on this strange alien world!”) into the mainstream DC Universe, Aquaman would (as Pal Mike has pointed out) be better served in a self-contained, kid friendly venue where the simple, goofy charm of the concept could be allowed to shine through.
CABLE – Also known as Nathan Summers, also known as “when the wheels irrevocably fell off the X-franchise.” Yes, I know it is possible to tell a good story featuring Cable…in the same way it is possible to build a mansion from of bricks of reprocessed cat feces. The real question is “Why would anyone want to?”
SPOILER – Not since Enron has so much been invested in something of such dubious value.