Armagideon Time

Posts tagged ‘fun with vintage ads’

“…and?” “Sigh, fine, we’ll also sacrifice a goat in the firepit tonight, buy only if you finish your homework first.” “THANKS, MOM, YOU’RE THE GREATEST!” Recommended listening:

Pulp nonfiction

May 2nd, 2019

I have read a lot of dystopian fiction in my forty-seven years. Some of it has been good, a lot of it has been terrible, but none of it has been as utterly disturbing as the copy from this International Paper Company ad… But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was […]

Wash down

February 20th, 2019

From the deepest, blandest corner of suburbia, a cry of despair issues forth… The mighty forces of postwar consumerism immediately spring into action, bringing rigid gender roles… …overhyped technological improvements… …and more avocado tones than a single person could process in a dozen lifetimes! Together, they have the power to reshape domestic reality. Forget last […]

No, I shanty

February 15th, 2019

Harbor master steps out and says “the elephant seals left town” Dolphins jump and jive, but the clownfish stuck around Nat Geo and Cousteau, there’s seagulls in the sky Mermaids, nymphs, silkies ask where, for and why Gill yells, “we’re outta here, ” Shelly says, “right on” We’re making waves and starting raves before they […]

No good for you

December 4th, 2018

Ah, yes. Those magical afternoons my high school buddy Damian and I would spend browsing the cramped confines of Cross Street Video, where the decision whether to rent Robot Jox or Radioactive Dreams hung upon which cast had more Oscar-winners or nominees. (And despite the ads visuals and breathy copy, Savage Dawn wasn’t a one […]

“What could be that scary?” you ask as you hazard a stamp and a buck forty-nine on the tantalizing offering. Four to six weeks later it arrives. The box is small, but surprisingly heavy. You grab a knife from the counter and slice open the packing tape, carefully pulling open the flaps and removing the […]

A plague worse than death

September 25th, 2018

“I looked up and saw a horse whose color was pastel green. Its rider was named Jane, and her format was VHS. They were given authority over ranch home suburbia, to conquer with headband and lycra and legwarmers and extreme hold mousse.”

Time is tight this week, so the second half of the July ’65 hall of shame will have to wait until next Friday. As a consolation prize, I made a quick dive into the Charlton Comics archive and plucked this tantalizing pitch from the acid-eaten newsprint… …a Hit Records mail-order ad from the middle of […]

Dead alive in 1995

April 6th, 2018

I remember next to nothing about MTV’s Club Dead, apart from the lingering feelings of horror and disdain the whole “full motion video” CD-ROM game fad of the early-to-mid-Nineties instilled in me. Ballyhooed as the “Next Big Thing,” the FMV game thing was really just a massive cop-out that took advantage of the CD-ROM format’s […]

Twi5t of Ca1n

April 3rd, 2018

Oh, sure, you claim to be a fan of Danfourg, but can you name any other songs he did besides “Mothreer?” I bet you didn’t even realize he was the frontman for horrorpunk legends The Misfivets, who recorded such classics as “Astro Zerombies” and “Last Careights.” They played their first shows at C8G8′s in NYC, […]

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