Armagideon Time

Posts tagged ‘toys’

Highest ed

March 29th, 2019

The campus playset was part of a whole line of college-themed accessories for Barbie, and given ample page space in the 1964 Sears Wish Book. I wish Mattel had pursued the concept through the entirely of Barbie’s college experience — Summer of Love Barbie, Berkeley Speed Freak Ken, Bad Acid Trip Barbie with Plush Sanatorium […]

Casper: “I’m the spirit of a dead child, forced to walk this earth forever!” Bozo: “I’m the grinning, grease-painted inspiration for countless childhood nightmares!” Matty: “slip the flensing knife close to the bone and pull firmly but be sure to trap the juices in a pail for later don’t let the screams and moans bother […]

I’ve learned over the years that childhood ownership of the Remco monster toys — either the Mego-scale dolls or Star Wars scale figures — conveys membership in a secret cult of Spooky Kids whose interests and practices transcend both space and time. Maura still has hers in our attic somewhere. Also, my maternal grandfather bought […]

On the heels of yesterday’s grab for low-hanging gigglefruit, I must admit a genuine fascination with budget knock-offs of currently popular toy lines. It’s not strong enough to compel me towards seeking out the actual items to own, but the mercenary logic behind their existence falls squarely in my cultural history wheelhouse. These cheapjack imitators […]

By the tale

July 6th, 2017

“As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.” – Donald Rumsfeld Pretty Boy took some shrapnel to the face from a booby trap in the Happy Valley. He married his high school sweetheart in the chapel of […]

Play-Doh’s “Fuzzy Pumper” Monster Barbershop was one of the toy industry’s many attempts to channel children’s fixation with familiar horror archetypes into a non-threatening plaything. The playset’s real horrors were reserved for the parents who gazed upon the sanity-blasting state of the living room carpet and the phantasmagoric nightmares which emerged from the family dog’s […]

the sin we’re in

July 14th, 2015

Re-purposing objects of popcult ephemera into something dark or sleazy is one of the lowest-hanging fruits on the content creation tree. I’ve engaged in the practice on multiple occasions, typically when the words won’t come yet I feel obliged to post something for the fans. It can be good for a few chuckles, but almost […]

Decline and doll

January 22nd, 2013

Chuckle all you want, discount but Violette’s unblinking eyes have seen entire civilizations cast into the pyre for the sake of her passive-aggressive whims. “Will you die for me? Will you kill for me? Will you turn your back on everything you hold dear for the sake of my approval? “For you sake, I truly […]

A blaze of fiber-filled glory

January 4th, 2013

SUNSHINE VALLEY, pilule Toyland, sildenafil May 23 – The Irresistible Mister Bim and his gunpoodle companion Madamoiselle Poodle were beaten to the trigger pull by Sunshine Valley police officers and shot to death today. Their crime career ended in a blaze of riot gun fire when, herbal disregarding a call to halt and unable to […]

Where Castle Grayskull was situated on a choice parcel of exclusively zoned Eternian real estate, The Castle Zendo was stuck occupying the back pages of holiday toy catalogs — a miserable patch of landscape where only clueless relatives chose to dwell. “I think Jimmy’s into those whatchacallems — ‘Rulers of the Galaxy’ or something. I […]

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